Hole In The Night.
They erroneously refer to it as a “Sleep Study” test. Why erroneously…because during the test, sleep is last thing achieved. This is the test given to people suffering from sleep disorders such as apnea.
The test is conducted in a controlled environment. In my case, the location was our local hospital. As instructed, I checked into the facility at 7:00 pm and taken up to the 3rd floor Sleep Study Lab. My technician, Jennifer gave me a pile of forms to complete and said she would return in a few minutes to “Get me ready.”
One of the forms contained 30 questions about my normal sleep habits and my frame of mind after a full night of sleep. The problem with these questions is that I rarely, if ever, get a full night of sleep…hence the reason I am taking a Sleep Study Test. The questions were…
Do you feel sleepy while listening to a lack-luster sermon in a hot chapel two hours after you have had a big breakfast?
Do you have trouble staying awake while doing a mind-numbing task at work?
Do you get sleepy riding in the back seat of a chauffeur driven up-scale car, on an Autumn evening, snuggled in your favorite sweater, with your loving puppy sleeping on your lap and classical music playing softly in the background while on a trip across Kansas?
WELL SHOOT…..EVEN HEALTHY SLEEPERS WOULD FALL ASLEEP UNDER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES!!!
Jennifer, returned as promised and began to glue 32 electrodes all over my head. She also rigged me up with a 12 lead EKG set of wires and a microphone taped to my right cheek (face cheek that is). She then told me I could watch TV or read until I was ready to go to bed and sleep.
At home, I sleep with my beloved puppy Zoey at my side, the TV on the History Channel or C-Span, five puffy pillows and my favorite fluffy Blue Blanky…non of which was allowed during the study. The possibility of sleep that night was as likely as Donald Trump needing an Assertiveness Training Course.
At 11:00 pm, I informed Jennifer that I might as well try to go to bed. She came in, held all the wires in place as I slid beneath the sheets and placed a mask over my mouth and nose for the CPAP machine. If you’ve never seen this contraption, it is the human equivalent of an elephant’s trunk. Jenny informed me that she and two other technicians would be monitoring me all night through the wiring, the microphone and three cameras. Then she turned out the lights and wished me a good night.
At that moment, I wished, with all my might, that a hole in the night would appear and that I could magically fly through it back to my humble little home and my precious Zoey.